The modern world of championship chess is not all big matches and arcane openings. There is Drama with contractionsrobot that break children’s fingers, and now: anal beads. Last week, World Champion Magnus Carlsen lost to Grandmaster Hans Niemann in a stunning upset. Accusations of cheating began to fill the air. But how would the alleged deception have been accomplished? That’s when the hero we all needed on Reddit stepped in to fill in the blank and suggest that Niemann may have used a sex game to receive a coded message that would lead him to victory.
Never mind that the Reddit post was clearly a joke from someone extremely dedicated to the piece. The theory is too compelling to ignore. It’s terrifying, but on the verge of feasibility. Maybe that’s why, a week after Niemann’s improbable win, people can’t help but fixate on the fact that he vowed to play matches naked, if that’s what people needed to see to convince themselves he wasn’t cheating. But if you haven’t been following the latest drama in the chess world, let me go back and break it all down.
How did Niemann beat Carlsen?
That was everyone’s question when the 19-year-old managed to knock out the five-time W.or Cchampion of the $500,000 Sinquefield Cup in St. Louis, Missouri last week. The two had never played before, and Niemann was clearly the weaker and less experienced player. Plus, he was playing black.
The two met three days into the tournament on September 5, with Carlsen making an early mistake and Niemann managing to force him into a tight final game. reports Grandchesstour that a counter with his bishop on turn 13 proved a particularly disastrous response. Things continued to go downhill until Carlsen finally missed out on time.
It might have come down to just that – a smart run of creative play from Niemann and some unlucky mistakes from Carlsen, with both going on to the tournament as normal – but the Wor Cchampion Instead took to Twitter to cast a shadow of possible foul play over the whole affair. “I have withdrawn from the tournament,” he wrote to everyone in shock. A notorious one YouTube clips of European football manager and professional messy boy Jose Mourinho saying “If I talk I’m in big trouble”, attached. For his part, Niemann said he was prepared for the champion’s line of play because he did random preview a version of it used in a 2018 race earlier that day in the build-up to the race.
A Grandmaster Twitch star admires the flames
Complaints of fraud started making their way around the Chess subreddit and social media, but streamer Hikaru “GMHikaru” Nakamura was one of the biggest names to start discussing the possibility on his platform. It mainly focused on a previous instance of Niemann cheating on Chess.com, which the 19-year-old admitted to.
But he stopped short of saying anything bad ever happened “over the board,” meaning while Niemann was face-to-face with an opponent. It certainly didn’t undercut the categories and the drama created a lot of influence on Twitch and YouTube. At one point, even Félix “xQc” Lengyel tried to get in on the action for a while.
Niemann later retaliated in his exit interview on September 6, criticizing Nakamura and denying anything untoward happened. “I’ve never cheated in a game over the board,” he said. “If they want me to strip completely, I will,” he added later in the interview.
He reserved his harshest words for Nakamura on Twitter. “Hikaru plays the victim but seems to forget to spend hours of his feed criticizing all my interviews with flippant insinuations,” he wrote the next day. “Maybe he deserves some responsibility and should be held accountable for what he said. At least he has 42% more subscribers now.”
Ok, but what about the anal beads?
Although there is no evidence that Niemann cheated, that hasn’t stopped many people from speculating about how he could have done it. It’s a tournament strict on their securityand it’s not like you can start consulting a chess program (what Niemann had done before) while everyone is watching and your opponent is only a few feet away.
During one Chessbrah Twitch Stream after Niemann’s match, the conversation offered anal beads as a solution. Canadian grandmasters Eric Hansen and Aman Hambleton began riffing on it and a German output wrote the whole thing. But one Reddit user took things a step further and thought that anal beads might be at play. How exactly? “The real answer is actually elementary,” the post has started. Actually, it’s quite complicated. The shitpost actually accuses Carlsen of using anal beads to cheat throughout his chess career (except for those few times when he was too drunk to feel them right).
The design for the anal pellet supercomputer was eventually stolen and used against Carlsen by Niemann. In fact, Niemann didn’t even know how to use them properly, but his buttball signals were interfering with Carlsen’s buttball signals, which is why the latter was playing so badly. In the end, however, Carlsen was unable to reveal how Niemann cheated without implicating himself. Not the perfect chess crime, but all the makings of a top r/Chess comment. User flooded with Reddit gold. Mods removed the post. But it was too late.
“Currently obsessed with the idea of Hans Niemann cheating at the Sinquefield Cup chess tournament using wireless anal beads that vibrate him the correct moves,” wrote a Twitter user named Babble__ on a September 7 tweet linked to Niemann’s post-tournament interview that immediately exploded.
To reiterate, there is still no evidence that Niemann cheated, although an announcement on September 8 that he would be removed from Chess.com did nothing to dispel suspicions. And there is certainly no evidence that anal beads were used in Carlsen’s stunning defeat. But what if the theory behind anal beads could actually work? The truth is out there for those brave enough to reveal it. One thing is for sure: all eyes will be on Niemann’s next match if he decides to play it naked. Do you hear that? It’s the sound of a new Twitch meta brewing. GOD sorry? Oh us.